Fine. I haven't slept yet. Big deal...

Actually, it is. I have a math exam tomorrow and if I end up sleepy later today, I'll end up sleeping. Not studying. Of all the days. I think I'm just anxious. About what? I'm anxious about this going-home thing. After 5 months of hell, I can finally rest for three blessed weeks. Ah.

I have never been away fro home for so long. Sure, I lived in a dorm during high school, but I was always home for the weekend! The longest I've been away was just a mere month. And now I'm stuck here in Manila for 5! Imagine that. Think about the people who can't go home this sem break. Tsk tsk.

Ang now my head hurts. And when I decide to sleep, I can't seem to doze off! Then I sit up and do something, and the cycle goes on. I've never been to school lately. So why am I this distressed? The answer: school is not the only source of stress. Amazing? No. My world's limited lately. It's just school, school, and school.

What were the things I did that I thought would knock me out? I brushed my teeth for a long time. I know this is bad, but there was nothing else better to do anyway! Or so I thought. I read a chapter of a book. Boo! A chapter? Before I could last nights wothout sleep just to go through a book. But now I seem to have lost my touch. Nah. I'm just tired. I defrag-ed my laptop, scanned for viruses and spyware and checked my downloads. Even with a very slow connection, these things didn't take me long enough to get really sleepy! Am I supposed to watch an entire season of House for me to be able to finally rest in slumber? I don't want to. It's reserved for the break. Hours of unadulterated TV in my laptop! Yum.

During the times when I thought I was drifting off, I thought about a lot of stuff, and one thing really hit me. No. They're two things actually. They came separately, but because they're so related, I thought of them as one. Anyway...


One was this conversation (okay YM-ing) I had with Joanne earlier today. Or was it yesterday. We were talking about LOVE and our present states of not having it. Yes I'm talking about THE love, where one is potentially a Shotah! Joanne even said that I thought that love was a burden. Bitter? Hmmm.

The other one was a post I did weeks ago. It was about love being a sick illusion (check archives). Love really is a sick illusion! It's also a marketing strategy.

Now why the "bitter" talk? Nothing. I just wanted to face reality. For so long I had this thing with my high school, uhm, friend? Anyway, we were always fighting. WHy? I'm a jokey jokey person and I say a lot of things I don't mean. Just for the sake of a laugh. Others understand me. But why doesn't she? Why don't they? College is sooooooooo amazing. I now have people around me who can understand that a joke is simply a joke. Or they're just decent enough not to mention it. Wait. I think I'm sowing hatred here.

Going back, one reason that I can recall that explains why she was always pissed off was that she expected more of me. What the? Where is love? I thought you were supposed to love at face value. You were supposed to love what is, as a whole, and not just what will be or you would like to be. Where is the love me for who I am? Did I wrongly understand the concept of love as propagated by the mass media? By other people. Stupid marketing. They can't even get it right. Or does this one rule just not exist? Is it merely a sales pitch aimed for the hopeless?

I needed time. And space. And I got it. My wish was for me not to have any excess baggage from high school. Did I get it? Sometimes my demons still haunt me. But I can do this. I so hardly fought for what was nothing in the first place. So many people got involved. So omany things happened. When you love, aren't you supposed to feel pain because of love? I don't get this. I just felt pain because of anger. Or so I thought. But if it was otherwise, why can't I see beyond my present circumstance? Maybe I was just too busy licking my own wounds to care about things outside of myself.

S***. Now I'm sleepy. And hungry. But food first before sleep!