Friday, August 27, 2010
Interruption
It's kinda hard for me to start this weekend with a cleanse when you keep insinuating yourself in my life, in situations I have trouble dealing with.
Stop being so adorable, please.
Again with that stupid question
"How are you two friends?"
Again, I have no idea. I'd have to ask, someday.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Now I get it
I've been watching HIMYM for a long time, but I never understood the hype behind it. I've always said I'd rather watch The Big Bang Theory, even if it means I watch each episode countless times. Now that I'm in a different place, I get it now. I so do.
And the world stops spinning...
Tama bang tumitigil ng mga ilang sandali (o ilang oras, hindi ko lang namalayan) ang galaw ng mundo ko kapag kausap at kapiling kita?
Alarms
And I'm up. Buti pa palang gumising para sa ibang tao, nagigising ako. My alarms for myself always go unnoticed. Nagagawa nga ng pag-ibig, oo. Grrr.
Naturally
I love how you make me feel so important. And I love how I can come to you with the most trivial of things and not feel like an idiot. So does that mean you're more best friend material, other than something else? Regardless, something beautiful came my way tonight (from "The Perks of Being A Wallflower" by Stephen Chbosky):
"You know I blamed Craig for not letting me do things? You know how stupid I feel about that now? Maybe he didn't really encourage me to do things, but he didn't prevent me from doing them either. But after a while, I didn't do things because I didn't want him to think different about me. But the thing is, I wasn't being honest. So, why would I care whether or not he loved me when he didn't really even know me?" (Sam to Charlie)
And Charlie's narration:
But the best part was the scene with Janet where we had to touch each other. It wasn't the best part because I got to touch Sam and have her touch me. It's the exact opposite. I know that sounds dumb, but it's true. Just before the scene, I thought about Sam, and I thought that if I touched her in that way on stage and meant it, it would be cheap. And as much as I think I might want to someday touch her like that, I never want it to be cheap. I don't want it to be Rocky and Janet. I want it to be Sam and I. And I want her to mean it back. So, we just played.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Head Throbbing
Okay, I have to stop obsessing.
Roots
As one friend pointedly pointed out (oooh!), we don't move in the same circles. So how are we friends again?
All That Sass
Boyfriend for you, I'd do all kinds of things against my better judgment. -Lafayette Reynolds
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Allergies
My nose has been cooperating. In anticipation of our ORL rotation this week, it has now decided to be runny. Damn.
I've been crying the whole weekend. I've read some stuff. And I got a look into something that's so closed right now. It makes me sad that someone so beautiful could be so sad and burdened with such huge responsibilities.
One frustration of mine is dance. I realized too late that I'd love to do it. I'd love for me to be good at it. And watching so much beauty in dance lately, I realized that what I want, I have to fight for. Now, I'm fighting a very difference battle, but one that's worth fighting. One I've wanted to fight ever since I was a little kid. And now, every little thing I see validates that choice I made.
Oh, crap. I always get a tad mushy when I'm about to go "home."
Red
I have been feeling very sensitive lately. I feel so raw, and I can't trace it back to its source.
Oh. I just did.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
To You
I've liked you since that first time you entered the room.
I was ecstatic when our worlds merged.
I was hoping to fall madly in love with you. Which I thought for a while I was.
Now I think I do. But it's a love of a different kind. A love borne out of deep respect and friendship. Which I'm really grateful for, because I'd still have you. You'd be under an entirely different heading, but that's fine.
I just hope this feeling akin to my heart leaping out of my chest every time you grace me with your whole attention fades in time. Because when a lot of people are around us, your singling me out in a crowd makes me feel so shiny and whole. And I'd spend days under the dim lights, on that stone bench, scratching at mosquito bites, just to be with you.
But enough, now. Because I can never give you what you need. So I'll settle for your friendship instead.
Friday, August 13, 2010
This Week
I miss writing. Writing for catharsis. Writing for exercise. Writing for the love of it. And I know people have come and gone. And have forgotten this blog. But for me it's like this little old notebook I keep in a box in my closet. I always know it's there. I take it out sometimes, flip at the pages, and laugh at my past frippery. And marvel at my mediocre writing skills that have now been reduced to writing patient histories and making diagrams on charts.
But tonight I write.
Today I went ahead with a crazy idea and downloaded Michelle Branch's whole discography as a solo artist. And I've been listening to her songs for the past few hours while trolling around the internet. But just right now I felt a deep pang of nostalgia and homesickness. I haven't felt this tinge in a long while.
Let me start at the beginning.
Cause when there's you I feel whole... And I'd rather be in love with you.
See? Michelle's quite the crooner. But I digress. Let me start over.
It happened a few weeks ago. But it's been there for years. Something I only liked from afar suddenly turned into this live thing. And it's been growing. Fast. And I'm loving every feeling. More. And more. Every minute. Every beep. Every random moment.
But somehow, it's different this time. In the past, I've wanted things for myself. But now. Now, I'm just happy to partake in something so beautiful. It's so akin to what I've wanted for years now it's exhilarating to be standing just inside its borders. And I'm content.
For now.
Or so I tell myself. But I fervently hope so. For everyone's sake.
And because I'm the kind of person who goes on looking, I found something. And discovered that what I have is more than I hoped for. What I've been trying to aspire for so long, but could just not be. And it makes me feel happy. And sad. And excited. Hopeful.
Nostalgic.
I miss my brothers. I miss them. So. God. Damn. Much.
I've been living away from home for more than half my life and the feeling hasn't really changed one bit. All this missing is hiding under a very thin sheet that every time something scrapes it, a raw nerve is hit. And I have to wait it out.
God, thank you for my friends. And my family. And love.