Patricia: I bet you've had a hard time walking into a room full of people on your own, right? Yeah. I know that. I know what it is not to feel like your in the room until he looks at you or touches your hand or even makes a joke at your expense, just to let everyone know... you're with him. You're his.

***

Denise: Ooohhh, he's delicious isn't he? I'd serve coffee on that ass.

John: Do you have to be so vulgar about men? Like they're pieces of meat?

Denise: I'm sorry, John. I forgot you're sensitive about your flat ass.

John: You know, Denise, that's why you're not married. Women act like men. Then they complain men don't want them.

Denise: Oh, is that why? 'Cause I thought it was something different. I thought that it was 'cause I deserved the best and he's out there. He's just with all the wrong women. And let me be clear. After CENTURIES of men looking at my tits in stead of my eyes and pinching my ass instead of shaking my hand, I now have the *DIVINE* right to stare at a man's BACKSIDE with vulgar, cheap appreciation if I want to!

Lisa Kudrow goodness. ♥

So I have been watching 1 movie per week for the past three weeks now. Now that I think about, it's lame. A total of three movies? Oh well. And last night I put off studying for that Nucleic Acids Exam coming up just to see PS I Love You. Now I don't want to elaborate on the InterWeb the stuff that actually happened to me (or the stuff that I did), but I must say that when I related the deets to a specific few, they decided that they had to watch the movie if it got me to do those stuff. Hey, I'm not that cold! Haha.

So during the damn movie, I decided that this being alone thing isn't so bad after all. I screwed up facts to my advantage. I thought: Well, there has to has to be someone for me out there, right? I'm just not looking. Either that or God is still punishing me for what I do to precious creatures. But I decided on one thing. Never again will I scribble our names (mine and that specific someone) in my scratch paper again. Scratch paper is for Kirchhoff's Rules, not Stupid Hearts. So there you go.

And because I was feeling good despite the sappy movie, I decided to finish one of the novels Nic gave me for Christmas and even got a head start on Neil Gaiman's Season of Mist. But lo and behold, just when I thought I was gonna be finally over this someone, that golden name flashed repeatedly in those cute little thought bubbles in all it's glory. My pillow deserved a good screaming to at that. And it was even one of the character in the movie! Sh*t. Something similar happened during the sem break. One of the three main characters had the same name. I say, the Universe is teasing me. :(

So this post will not end in bitterness and ridicule. I know that someday I'll get my fair share of giddiness and body contact (although I'll be damned if anyone gets to see this) and late night texts and pure idiocy brought about by Ehem Ehem. I'm just stuck in a rut right now so I'll just enjoy the uninterrupted view from down here until someone helps me up. :D

Because I still want you, and there's nothing I can do about it. :( And for certain people who have been hearing my little story, NO this is not about her.

It's so easy to make yourself resist something that's far away from you. But if it's served on a silver platter on the next table, that's a different story. And trying, though hard as it may sound, makes you feel less guilty about it.

I want my old self back. I never realize how much self esteem I've lost until I get back in the old crowd. Maybe it's not so much losing self-esteem as it is being overwhelmed and intimidated a lot. But the effects for both are quite similar and not less crippling for either.

I find myself faking it a lot lately. I'm so used to everything already that I just slip into this stupid mode of indifference coated with warm concern. I miss high school. I miss all the free passes awarded to teenagers full of angst, hormones, and extraordinary intellect. Propriety be damned! Adulthood, though I have only been around the block for around 7 months now, sucks. And add to this seasoned adults who use your age only to turn tables on you.

Last month I have made a decision that may have destroyed another person's life, but I hope not. I can't say it was done in the absence of good judgment. I think that the decision was made 3 years ago. It only had to be voiced out. Risky and hurtful steps had to be taken and I can say I find satisfaction in being the one who had to accomplish them. As selfish as it may sound, it is quite gratifying to do something for yourself for a change. Of course this is only my side of the story.

Closing something always opens something else, and even though I can say that, for me, everything has been put to rest, I don't think everything has been opened yet. Despite popular belief, I know what's wrong with this whole thing. I know what's wrong with me. And I now know that I quite like cruising without the excess baggage. I think I might like to enjoy it for a while. I'd like to think I'm in no hurry. And I haven't been trying, either; I haven't been looking. But I want it to just come. And be swept away. Someday, I might be brave enough to take that thing on the silver platter. But before that, a table has to be vacant first. For now the place is full, but I'll definitely be "back." For now, there's Embryology.

♥
P

Happy New Year everyone!

And the first thing I did for this year: Scrabble! I lost, but whatever. A toast to Triple Word Score!

Labels: firsts