Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Because I've been squeezing out papers and writing things that are boring
I miss you.
That's the three words I wanna say to you every time you pass me by. I miss sitting right next beside you, fussing over you and handing you my jacket for a pillow when you settle for a nap on that coffeeshop table, texting you my every impulsive thought.
I miss you.
I know that we can never happen. Never in a million years. I think I'm only allowed one great fulfilled each lifetime, and on the way to being a doctor and all its trappings is it for me. I will never know great, epic love. So I gave up on you. And I'm giving up on me. Along with the acceptance that I may be falling for you I also doomed myself to a melodramatic tragedy.
So there.
And it doesn't help that you've been so impossibly gorgeous lately. And hearing about how you flutter about, doing stuff for your own one great love, while kilig-inducing, is excruciating. But I wanna hear them, anyway. Better that than not hearing from you at all.
And I wish I could tell you all these things. But I promised myself that I would never go to such self-destructive extremes. And I don't think you wanna hear about all of this. Your life is complicated as it is and I don't wanna bother you with inane questions that I'm sure have no answers.
I friggin' miss you.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Trahedya
Tsismisan. Nagsimula ang gabi nang inilabas ko ang aking mga hinaing tungkol sa iyo sa isang kaibigan. Katatapos ko lang kumain at naisipang kong mag-movie marathon na lang sa halip na mag-aral. Oo, isang linggo na akong hindi nag-aaral. Pero isang gabi lang, magpapahinga muna ako sa pagkanta, sa pag-text pass, sa pag-email. Hanggang sa inatake ako sa pagkabagot at naging clingy sa isang matalik na kaibigan sa pamamagitan ng Sun Cellular.
Text. Sa gitna ng pakikipagtalastasan tungkol sa mga hinanaing na ikaw ang nagbibida, nag-text ka ng isang serye ng pasimpleng mensahe na ang kinauwian lang ay ang pagtanong kung nag-aaral ba ako. At biglang lumipad papalabas ng bintana ang ideya ng gabing puno ng mga sine. Dali dali kitang sinagot na magsisimula pa lang ako, sabay assemble ng aral kit. Ayan. Isang gabi na kitang makakapiling.
Fast forward. Ayan na't nagaaral na tayo. Ikaw na sumusulat sa luma kong notes, ako na nagpapanggap na naiintindihan ang hina-highlight, dumidiskarteng masulyapan ka gamit ang aking peripheral vision. Matagal-tagal rin kitang hindi nakasamang yung tayo lang. Oo, may sari-sarili tayong tinitext; ikaw nagtetext ng kung anuman sa kanino man, ako sa isang kaibigan ng mga bagay na tungkol pa rin sayo.
Tulog. Halata ang pagod mo. At di naglaon ay kinailangan mo ang trademark mong power nap - ang yumuko na lang at makakatulog. Syempre hindi kita natiis at pinahiram ko sayo ang jacket ko, para man lang malagyan ng isang malambot na bagay ang pagitan ng mesa at ng iyong mukha. At ikaw ay nahimbing, habang ang mundo ko ay tumigil.
Alam mo bang nakangiti kang natutulog? Naramdaman mo bang pinagmasdan kita habang ikaw ay nahihimbing? At kahit na malamang habambuhay kong maaalala ang ngiting yun, napakunot ang noo ko't naluha ng kaunti, kasi sa mga panahong yun napagtanto ko kung gaano ka kahalaga sa akin pero wala man lang akong magawa. Di ko man lang mapaabot sayo. Di ko man lang masabi. Dahil alam kong wala tayong patutunguhan.
Mahirap ang hindi umasa. Dahil alam kong sa sarili ko na gustong gusto ko. Pero hindi pwede, para sa huli pwede kong maisalba ang aking sarili mula sayo. Gayunpaman, masaya na rin ako. Masaya na ako sa mga ganitong moments, gaano man kapuno ito ng mga pagiilusyon ko. Masaya na akong mapagmasdan ang mapayapa mong mukhang nakapatong sa jacket ko. Masaya na akong maging human alarm clock mo, ang maging simula ng araw mo. Masaya na akong marinig ang mga hinanaing at ang mga tagumpay mo sa buhay. Masaya na akong maging kaibigan mo.
At kahit saan man to mauwi, alam kong may napupulot ako mula sayo. Natuto akong mag-account ng gastos ko. Minahal kong bumuklat ng libro dahil sayo. Mas minahal ko ang aking mga kapatid, hindi ko man sila nakikita araw-araw. Natuto akong isipin ang kalagayan ng iba bago ang sarili dahil binigyan mo ako ng pagkakataon maging mabuti.
Hindi ako nagpapaalam. Nalungkot lang.
At nang bumangon kang may handog na ngiti para sa akin, napawi ang antok ko. Natigil ang pagkaluha ko.
Ngunit nanatili ang mabigat na pakiramdam na kahit ano pa man ang nagaganap sa kasalukuyan, hindi ka kailanman magiging akin.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
No
I just said "no." And it feels weird. Sad, but a bit liberating.
One Week Later
This post is so long overdue I'm not even sure I'll get the details right. Oh well, here goes.
Saturday night: Something you've been needing for so long will actually come and you want me to go with you pick it up. I readily agree, thinking that you'll forget about asking me anyway. So I just laughed it off.
Sunday morning: You text me, saying that you know exactly where to pick it up, and again insist that I come with you. Of course I get excited. I love running errands, and to run yours would be fun, I expect. Am I expected to carry around something? To watch your back and alert you when we're getting mugged? Am I to help you check the integrity of the merch?
We meet up, and then for the first time in weeks (since you've been on vacation), we talk along the way. We talk about anything and everything. And all is right in the world again. You were most perfect during the trip to and from home. But nothing really happened. I didn't get what my task was for this trip. Anyhoo, you ask if we could go grab something to eat and I oblige, knowing your appetite.
When we were headed for doughnuts I got excited. You owed me doughnuts, you told me. So you wait patiently in line while I go scout for a table. And when seated I got an unobstructed view of you and I stared for hours, it seemed. And we rambled on and on, until the time to part was upon us.
So while walking home, alone, I texted my thanks, and confusion regarding what my role was for tagging along. I wasn't of any particular use, I said. "Your company is more than enough," you replied.
And my heart stopped, my breath was thready, and my stomach flipped. What in the world did you mean by that?
---
Tuesday I was out with a best friend. And for the first time in months I got the most sane, straight-headed advice I desperately needed. Or support for a strategy I decided I'd employ where you're concerned.
I do not know what my role in your life is. I do not know how important I am to you. And I don't want to expect much from this, from you, because I would be setting myself up for disaster. And I'm already starting to expect. So where you're concerned, I have an algorithm that'll immediately pop up in my head.
1. Does this make you happy? If yes, proceed to step 2. If no, step 3.
2. Revel in it. And shake yourself to sanity afterwards.
3. Drop the thought immediately and think of something else. Like spam, for instance.
So there. I'm hoping this works. Because I don't wanna fall desperately in love with you. Hell, no.
Friday, August 27, 2010
Interruption
It's kinda hard for me to start this weekend with a cleanse when you keep insinuating yourself in my life, in situations I have trouble dealing with.
Stop being so adorable, please.
Again with that stupid question
"How are you two friends?"
Again, I have no idea. I'd have to ask, someday.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Now I get it
I've been watching HIMYM for a long time, but I never understood the hype behind it. I've always said I'd rather watch The Big Bang Theory, even if it means I watch each episode countless times. Now that I'm in a different place, I get it now. I so do.
And the world stops spinning...
Tama bang tumitigil ng mga ilang sandali (o ilang oras, hindi ko lang namalayan) ang galaw ng mundo ko kapag kausap at kapiling kita?
Alarms
And I'm up. Buti pa palang gumising para sa ibang tao, nagigising ako. My alarms for myself always go unnoticed. Nagagawa nga ng pag-ibig, oo. Grrr.
Naturally
I love how you make me feel so important. And I love how I can come to you with the most trivial of things and not feel like an idiot. So does that mean you're more best friend material, other than something else? Regardless, something beautiful came my way tonight (from "The Perks of Being A Wallflower" by Stephen Chbosky):
"You know I blamed Craig for not letting me do things? You know how stupid I feel about that now? Maybe he didn't really encourage me to do things, but he didn't prevent me from doing them either. But after a while, I didn't do things because I didn't want him to think different about me. But the thing is, I wasn't being honest. So, why would I care whether or not he loved me when he didn't really even know me?" (Sam to Charlie)
And Charlie's narration:
But the best part was the scene with Janet where we had to touch each other. It wasn't the best part because I got to touch Sam and have her touch me. It's the exact opposite. I know that sounds dumb, but it's true. Just before the scene, I thought about Sam, and I thought that if I touched her in that way on stage and meant it, it would be cheap. And as much as I think I might want to someday touch her like that, I never want it to be cheap. I don't want it to be Rocky and Janet. I want it to be Sam and I. And I want her to mean it back. So, we just played.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Head Throbbing
Okay, I have to stop obsessing.
Roots
As one friend pointedly pointed out (oooh!), we don't move in the same circles. So how are we friends again?
All That Sass
Boyfriend for you, I'd do all kinds of things against my better judgment. -Lafayette Reynolds
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Allergies
My nose has been cooperating. In anticipation of our ORL rotation this week, it has now decided to be runny. Damn.
I've been crying the whole weekend. I've read some stuff. And I got a look into something that's so closed right now. It makes me sad that someone so beautiful could be so sad and burdened with such huge responsibilities.
One frustration of mine is dance. I realized too late that I'd love to do it. I'd love for me to be good at it. And watching so much beauty in dance lately, I realized that what I want, I have to fight for. Now, I'm fighting a very difference battle, but one that's worth fighting. One I've wanted to fight ever since I was a little kid. And now, every little thing I see validates that choice I made.
Oh, crap. I always get a tad mushy when I'm about to go "home."
Red
I have been feeling very sensitive lately. I feel so raw, and I can't trace it back to its source.
Oh. I just did.