I don't know but I think people see as scary sometimes.

Scratch that. I AM scary. But not in a normal way.

You could get a lot by just listening to others' opinion of you. You see yourself through their eyes. The hard and painful part is that what you want others to see gets misunderstood for something bad. *Sigh.* You know what I mean.

Just a little over a week ago, we (my classmates and I) had a "recollection." It wasn't really a recollection. But I am not to argue what constitutes a proper get-together activity. Anyway... We had this great (if you call a cause for hyperventilation great, I guess you could say that) talk together. Before this "TALK" though, each of us got to write three notes for three different classmates of ours. We could write him or her just anything. Surely enough, I expected to recieve a lot of these little notes. We were not restricted in the choice of our words. We could write anything. Yes, including profanitites although I didn't think there would be a soul gutsy enough to do such a thing. I was wrong. One of us got a note with a single word on it. "IMBECILE." We could write anything, be it positive or negative. After this, a talk follows. We would react to the things we recieved. If we want to, that is.

I got seven notes. The last one was the only thing that made me smile, and a half-smile at that. All the rest made my heart pound like I just ran some race. I could not believe that people see me as this monster. I try not to defend myself, but is my trying to make a play good an opportunistic moment where I could best my "rivals" and rub the fact on their noses that I am better than they are? I don't think so. Well, maybe my judgement is a bit murky. Maybe I am this monster. WIll I disappoint people by reinventing myself and changing for the better, or will I continue to satisfy them by providing myself as another subject for gossip and backbiting? People try to tell me to do the right thing. What is the right thing?

People are just so sensitive! A small comment given to them is meant as a CONSTRUCTIVE criticism, not another attempt to drown them in self-pity and humiliation. Partly, it's my fault, too. I don't say these"criticisms" nicely. Whatever.

How did I become this monster? Maybe beacause people are so afraid of me. They're afraid that if they point out my faults to me, I'll eat them whole. Well, I'm not a cannibal. Tell it to me nicely and the most you'd get is a raised eyebrow. How would I know I'm hurting you when you do not complain?

People only see me as a big mouth. They do not recognize my potential as a friendly ear or a cying shoulder. People's opinions are static. What is etched on their minds cannot be changed for we are all stubborn. Self-redemption will be a futile effort. You remain a monster when people think you are a monster. People see what they want to see. They want to believe the things that make them greater beings than yourself. Guess what? To hell with what you think! I'm not gonna live my life the way you want me to.

I am so tired of being the antagonist all the time. Will I eliminate the protagonist, reign supreme, and prove that evil does have a place in the world? Or will I convert and be like those villains who change in the end and live a happy endeing? Maybe the latter. It could be the "right" thing, based on what others say. Well, I am willing to sacrifice uniqueness as a replacement for redemption. It may not be easy, but it's worth a shot. Better be stereotype than be a pariah. Maybe I won't do this for others who feel that it is their duty to save lost souls. I will do this to make myself whole. I will do this for the pleasure of being "good." I will do this for the glory of God.