"and there’s this really special someone. and until now, i still don’t know if everything’s okay between us. it really broke my heart that graduation day when i never got to hug him. i was so looking forward to that. even before, i kept telling myself, kahit yun na lang. kahit hug na lang. and it didn’t happen. and now, it seems like im losing faith. it seems like im losing faith in my love for him. i’m making things too complicated for the both of us. i can’t seem to trust him fully, and it makes me hate myself. now, it seems like i just wanna let go. hope he’ll find someone else while i also move on with my life. but then, i know it’s really gonna crush me. i don’t even know if i actually deserve to tell myself i love him, knowing i haven’t really done much to back up the words."

okay. so i have been dumb. so i have done things that hurt other people. but i can't take the FACT that i can and have destroyed somebody's life.

why me? i was never reciprocated. ever. but here comes along someone who can and is willing. not by choice, mind you. so what do i do? nada. i don't know what to do. i can't even make a proper analogy out of this. we worked hard to build something yet it gets destroyed eventually. so we build it again. but it gets destroyed again. ad infinitum.

so what now? i get to see her. not everyday, but still. i'm in limbo. and she still owes me that hug. why didn't i ask for it during grad day? well for one thing i don't want to do it in public. our parents are around, even if they somehow know that there's something going on. i don't want to do it in private either. what if somebody sees us? another issue? and will i take a last trip to the guidance office? nah.

so... i was just putting it off. there were so many chances. but no. i'm so stupid... then i think i'm one of the factors why she didn't pick the rocky road i'm walking through right now. i told her no. but am i that significant so that my words can sway her? i would be alone right now if things happened otherwise then. i hate this. i feel so heavy. with the hangover from the exam plus the days without sleep plus this warrants a trip to ward 7. well, maybe i will drop by some time.

*head throbbing. head explodes (i wish)...