It's so easy to make yourself resist something that's far away from you. But if it's served on a silver platter on the next table, that's a different story. And trying, though hard as it may sound, makes you feel less guilty about it.

I want my old self back. I never realize how much self esteem I've lost until I get back in the old crowd. Maybe it's not so much losing self-esteem as it is being overwhelmed and intimidated a lot. But the effects for both are quite similar and not less crippling for either.

I find myself faking it a lot lately. I'm so used to everything already that I just slip into this stupid mode of indifference coated with warm concern. I miss high school. I miss all the free passes awarded to teenagers full of angst, hormones, and extraordinary intellect. Propriety be damned! Adulthood, though I have only been around the block for around 7 months now, sucks. And add to this seasoned adults who use your age only to turn tables on you.

Last month I have made a decision that may have destroyed another person's life, but I hope not. I can't say it was done in the absence of good judgment. I think that the decision was made 3 years ago. It only had to be voiced out. Risky and hurtful steps had to be taken and I can say I find satisfaction in being the one who had to accomplish them. As selfish as it may sound, it is quite gratifying to do something for yourself for a change. Of course this is only my side of the story.

Closing something always opens something else, and even though I can say that, for me, everything has been put to rest, I don't think everything has been opened yet. Despite popular belief, I know what's wrong with this whole thing. I know what's wrong with me. And I now know that I quite like cruising without the excess baggage. I think I might like to enjoy it for a while. I'd like to think I'm in no hurry. And I haven't been trying, either; I haven't been looking. But I want it to just come. And be swept away. Someday, I might be brave enough to take that thing on the silver platter. But before that, a table has to be vacant first. For now the place is full, but I'll definitely be "back." For now, there's Embryology.

♥
P